Before&Laughter

Things I love about my husband

My husband has Autism. Three years ago I would not have written that sentence, because I didn’t know. But that’s another story… My husband has Autism- This may explain some of the traits he has, but this is only part of who his is. He is also loyal, affectionate, reliable, honest, brilliant and wise to name a few things I love about him.

For a time, especially following Jacob’s diagnosis, I doubted the unspoken connection I always felt we had. Therefore, this post is written with thanks to those friends who could see these things when I couldn’t.

This post also comes with a disclaimer: I am writing from my personal experience, and I do not propose to generalise my experience to anyone else’s. There are many factors which contribute to the unique challenges and strengths in any relationship.

There is a lot written about the negatives of Autism- especially from the point of view of partners of adults on the spectrum. Although there are certainly challenges in a relationship where one has Autism and one does not, (for both partners!), I would like to write now about the positive traits that I see in my husband, Jacob.

He is:

Loyal and patient- Jacob is capable of putting up with just about anything. Not seeking to escape difficulty or getting side tracked by imagining alternatives; he is usually content with things the way they are. Nothing I do seems to change his view of me. At times I have said I couldn’t get rid of him if I tried.

Affectionate– When first considering the possibility that my husband could be Autistic, I dismissed the idea, mostly for the reason that I believed a stereotype I had heard, that Autistic people don’t like to be touched. And Jacob loves touch. Jacob connects deeply with those he loves through touch. This is usually reserved for close family members, with the exception of babies and furry animals. Not usually one to strike up a conversation with people he doesn’t know, Jacob will talk to any mothers at the playground if there’s a chance he might get to hold their baby!

Reliable- Jacob takes care of the technical maintenance at our house: the devices are always charged, bike tyres pumped, lemon tree meticulously pruned, car full of petrol and fresh bread every morning just to name a few things that he reliably takes care of. One morning before Church our Pastor decided that he would mow the grass in their backyard where we meet. Less than halfway through the small patch, the battery went flat. Next, someone turned on the iPad to put the words on the screen for worship- and it was flat too. I laughed and said, ‘You need a Jacob at your house, Simon.’

Trustworthy and trusting- If Jacob says he will do something, he sticks by it. He can be trusted to turn up on time and do what he said he would. Jacob is incredibly trusting of me- trusting that sometimes I see things that he can’t- trusting my perception more than his in certain situations.

Uncomplicated- Jacob is easy to please and happy with simple things. When our youngest was a baby, I got stuck in a bit of a rut with meals, keeping things simple because I was so tired. He didn’t mind at all that we had our favourite dinners on short rotation, and it took him a very long time to complain that I was giving him the same kind of sandwich for lunch every day. He doesn’t expect me to dress up or make fancy dinners. No one at our house complains when it’s baked beans for dinner.

Unassuming- Jacob doesn’t tend to generalise based on stereotypes. He is non-judgemental and takes each person at face value.

Honest- Jacob always gives his honest opinion when asked. Sometimes I appreciate this, sometimes not. For example, one evening I said, ‘Why don’t my friends initiate catching up with me?’. I wasn’t really expecting him to answer but Jacob offered an insightful comment; ‘Maybe you are the one who is already scheduling catch ups at the optimum frequency’.  

Brilliant and intelligent- Jacob is well known and valued for his technical advice in his areas of interest. He’s the one our kids ask for ideas with homework assignments or general knowledge questions. At work Jacob is the one who often solves the problems no one else can figure out. 

Independent integrity- Jacob lives uncompromisingly by his internal rules he has set for himself. He sticks to what he sees as right without needing anyone to keep him accountable or remind him of his standards. He works tirelessly without much need for external validation.

Wise- Jacob has an extraordinary ability to see the big picture, uncomplicated by emotional connotations. When he does occasionally share his perspective, it is mind blowing and eye opening. Perhaps due to feeling that he is different and somewhat out of place in this world, and the discomfort he experiences trying to function in a world that often doesn’t cater for his needs, Jacob expresses a longing for a world other than this where all is at ease and in order. Even his youngest daughter recognises this; just this morning as Jacob was setting up the breakfast spreads just so, according to his usual routine, she exclaimed, ‘It doesn’t have to be perfect, we’re not in heaven you know dude!’ His reply: ‘I wish.’

Comfortable with silence- One evening when we sat down to have a cuppa together, I felt unusually lost for words and I said, ‘Sorry dear, I just don’t know what to talk about.’ And he replied, ‘That’s ok, Dear…I’m fluent in silence.’

Perhaps he knows better than me, that some things just can’t be explained in words.

If you’re reading this Dear, (which is unlikely, as you’ve already read the draft, and that was hard enough to get you to) I hope you know that I’m proud of you. I’m proud of us. What we’ve accomplished, as individuals and together, over the 15 years we’ve been together so far. I appreciate you for who you are and I’m so thankful we get to share life together.