Diagnosis
My husband have had our differences over the years- of course all marriages do. But after years of searching for a way to understand our differences, nothing could account for the chasm I felt between us. (Meanwhile, he was, on the whole, completely satisfied with our relationship, and had no idea what I was talking about when I tried to tell him I felt like something was missing.) I felt like I was going mad at times and spent a lot of time searching for answers. Yet, no framework seemed adequate to describe our differences; not the differences between men and women, not personality preferences, nor the effects of past trauma…
Over the years, hubby had occasionally mentioned in passing that he identified a lot with descriptions of Asperger’s syndrome or autism, but I quickly dismissed such comments. ‘You’re not like that,‘ I said. ‘He can’t be autistic, he’s so affectionate… He can’t be autistic, he’s not like that person I know who has autism,’ I told myself. I was probably in denial for a long time. Eventually, after watching a documentary about adults with autism, I had an epiphany. I worked up the courage to bring up the subject myself, and I was surprised how easily hubby accepted the idea. He agreed to seek a diagnosis. I felt this was important because I didn’t trust my own perception and wanted to know for sure. By the time of his diagnosis, I felt like everyone could see it except me. For me, there was a lot of grief in coming to terms with hubby’s autism diagnosis, that he really is different, and that’s not going to change. But, knowing the nature of our differences has been extremely freeing for both of us. It’s not differences that cause problems, but the lack of acknowledging and allowing for differences.
Autism in a grown up loved one can be a difficult thing to define. I don’t like the idea of saying ‘My husband has a disability.’ Those who know my hubby know that he is the most loyal, loving, honest, reliable, patient and intelligent man. And I hope he knows I am proud of him.
Yes it is true
“Mild autism”
It doesn’t change anything
But it changes everything
I’m so relieved it wasn’t all in my head
I wasn’t going crazy
Such a relief to know it’s true.