Bridges and missing pieces

Bridges and missing pieces

This is a difficult post. I wrote this back in January. I desperately wanted to share it, but also, I don’t. Perhaps it is too raw. It is definitely too much. Still, I hope it makes sense. And I hope it conveys a sense of hope. Writing this is my way of capturing the difficulties, and letting them go.

There are many reasons why couples may struggle to connect in a way that is satisfying to both partners. In my marriage, neurodiversity is a big factor which leads to a particular kind of disconnect between us.

I have come across many negative assumptions about relationships between autistic and neurotypical people. Sometimes these assumptions seem very real and I get stuck in negativity too.

But I truly believe I have a deeper connection with my hubby than would ever be possible with someone who is ‘neurotypical’.

However that sense of connection is easily drowned out by the noise of the world and the demands of daily life.

Being married to someone who is fundamentally neurologically different can be such a confusing paradox. And that goes both ways!

This post should come with a warning- it is very rambly. Apologies to those who enjoy my concise posts- this is a long one!

The anxious cycle and the cost of trying new things

How can this man I love

Be the cause of such anxiety?

No, not the cause, perhaps the trigger?

His anxiety isn’t my anxiety

But somehow seems to cause it

Complaints over seemingly small things

Interruptions, a change of plans, inefficiency

Sometimes meltdowns, more often shut-downs

And then, he snaps out of it so quickly

But I don’t

My heart stays heavy

After his panic is over

Anticipating the next inevitable problem

I’m left wondering if he is going to be ok

And it somehow causes me to question

Am I ok?

He moves on

And I’m stuck here

Holding the burden

Feeling like it’s my fault

Always thinking ahead

Trying to avoid the same problems happening again

But I can’t

All the careful planning in the world

Isn’t enough to avoid

Every little problem

And when I try

To always do things his way,

I lose my way

Even losing a sense of myself

And when things do go wrong

Is it even possible to whether this storm

Without panic setting in?

How can I be happy, how can I have fun

When he is not?

To go ahead and do what makes me happy

If it causes him distress?

That’s not fair is it?

Maybe I should just let him be.

It feels like such a betrayal

Insisting he do what I want

But if I don’t insist, nothing new will ever happen

Impossible to do what’s best for everyone…

It’s true that most problems pass quickly if I just stay calm

I know what I should do

But it’s easier said than done

I know what I need to do:

Stay calm, reassure, wait it out, take note for next time, move on…repeat

Stay calm, reassure, wait it out, take note for next time, move on,

Stay calm, reassure, wait it out, take note for next time,

Stay calm, reassure, wait it out,

Stay calm, reassure

Stay calm

Reassure

Stay calm

STOP

I can’t take any more!

I need someone to reassure ME now

But I feel so silly for needing that

So I deny myself the very thing

I give so freely to everyone else around me

Maybe I would feel so much better

If I allowed someone to comfort me

I easily forget that he can comfort me too

Maybe not now, but later after the storm

And he will probably thank me

For insisting he try something new

He will try to comfort me with hugs

Touch is the language that speaks a thousand words

Even a silent apology

But now what am I anxious for?

Such silly little things

How do I even explain?

Without laying unnecessary blame

I can’t

I don’t want to

But when I don’t

I’m left holding the burden

If I don’t ask

No one knows what I need

But how can I ask

When it’s so hard to explain what I need

And I don’t even feel like I should need it?

Missing pieces; the puzzle that is incomplete

It feels like such a betrayal

To speak badly about my better half

But to by honest

I don’t even feel like he’s

Holding his half

I must hold the whole

And give him selected pieces

That he can manage

I see the big picture

While he sees one piece of the puzzle

Sometimes that one piece

Is just what is needed

Still,

The burden will never be equally shared

He cannot hold an equal half

And yet he can hold me so perfectly

I feel I must take on whatever he cannot

If we are to function

Fill in for his blind spots.

It will never be fair.

But what relationship is truly equal?

Where do we even get the idea

That another should complete us?

We all have blind spots

We all have things we cannot manage

But sometimes, I feel like, for us our puzzle pieces don’t even fit together

And no matter how we arrange them

We don’t have enough pieces between us

To make a complete picture

(shall we call it a beautiful mess?)

And as for me- can any one person be expected to hold more than their half?

Trying to fill in his missing pieces

Is an exhausting, futile exercise

(and truth be told, I am missing some pieces too)

Bridges

How do we even work together

When we’re standing on opposite sides of the river?

I imagine a bridge (that only I can see)

It allows me to cross to his side of the river

But he cannot cross to mine

Because he can’t see the bridge

Its all in my head

And imagining only works from my side

And it leaves me thinking

Our connection is imaginary

Can we meet in the middle?

If I build the bridge, can he cross it?

No.

I can cross a bridge that I have imagined

But he needs to see the real thing

Maybe we can build another, real bridge together?

Tell each other how it is

Until we meet in the middle?

Is it possible?

I think it is possible

With time, hard work, and a whole lot of trust

What about me?

So why am I complaining?

Why do I still feel so different?

I’m so angry I want to scribble out these words

Tear them up and throw them away

But in doing so I would silence

My own voice again

Even though it seems futile, weak and pathetic

I need to allow myself to have a voice

It’s no fun living on the edges of my life

Hiding away in the shadows

Apologising for my very existence

Constantly afraid that I might be

Taking up more than my share of space

Pushing others away, unconsciously

Wondering if I even deserve

Any form of comfort

Always doing what everyone else wants

Just to try and keep the peace

But I cannot keep everyone happy

And so I lose my peace

Everyone else’s needs seem louder than my own

How can I work out what I want?

When everyone else’s wants speak louder

And they wonder why I’m repeatedly falling to pieces

Can I get enough pause,

Enough space,

Enough distance to see

That it’s not about me anyway