Before&Laughter

With thanks to Simon Elliott for editorial help and theological musings

I have been ‘Jesus’ friend’ since I was a child. I truly felt that God was with me and enjoyed spending time with Him. However, I didn’t feel very connected with those around me. The world of human relationships seemed a dark and confusing place. I often withdrew to my inner world, a place where I felt safe. God was very much real to me in that place, but I had great difficulty connecting and sharing my personal faith with others. 

At church, sometimes I used to wonder if they were worshipping the same God I knew. People’s different ways of worshipping easily threatened my view of God. As a teenager, my inner world darkened so much that I wasn’t sure I even believed the fundamental truths of the faith I supposedly professed. I knew I was supposed to believe God loved me, but I did not feel that it could be true. Whenever I gave the slightest hint of my inner struggles, I was misunderstood at best and chastised at worst. I don’t think the adults in my world could see that I felt so disconnected and had great difficulties in almost every category of human relationships.

I was torn. If my relationship with God was strong, why did I feel so incomplete? I felt guilty for wanting more. I wanted God first in my life and was afraid of losing the special connection I thought I had with God. Reflecting now, I was worried God might be offended if I allowed myself to love and be loved by people.

I gradually learned to allow certain people in, trust a bit, and be loved a bit. But I felt guilty. Like I couldn’t be close to people AND God. I can see now that my view of God was simply too small. 

When I discovered that it is possible to have honest, secure, mutually beneficial relationships, then came the question I didn’t want to ask, “If human relationships aren’t that bad after all, do I still need Jesus?” I pretty quickly knew the answer was ‘yes’, but I wasn’t sure why for a while. 

No matter how good my life is, no matter how good my relationships with people are, I need Jesus. We say ‘what a friend we have in Jesus’, but He’s not like any human friend. My relationship with God is in a whole other category. 

No one will ever understand me as He does. No one will ever really know what I’ve been through like He does. No one else can always know what I need before I even ask. My friends can’t save me. But they can love, comfort, and encourage me, which I will always need. God knows we need each other. It’s not just a ‘me and God’ equation. The ‘just me and God’ equation doesn’t add up. To let God be God is to realise God is God of all.

The deeper we plunge ourselves into God, the more we discover that at the very core of His being is community (Father, Son and Holy Spirit). And that as we have a revelation of who He is, it takes us into deeper love of all He’s created. And this obviously and primarily involves people. The Greatest Commandment is to ‘love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength…and love your neighbour as yourself’. The new commandment of Jesus is ‘to love one another as we ourselves have been loved by the Father’.

So I am free to enjoy fulfilling, healthy human relationships. And when I experience a fantastic relational moment, I am thankful to God that I can receive this gift. And it causes me to think how much more amazing God is, how much more he loves me, how much He is above all earthly goodness. 

God loves me more than any other human being ever could. So I don’t need to be afraid that a great human relationship might replace my need for God. That’s not even possible! 

I’m not afraid anymore. At least I’m working on it! 

You were always with me

Whenever I was alone

You were my God in the secret places

But in the assembly of your people

I could not sense my God at all

My God of the secret places 

Was a God too small

Indeed, God only of the secret places

Is hardly God at all

You gave me a larger view

It’s all connected now