What to do with the longing…
I find that certain experiences lead to an acute, heightened awareness of longing I wrote about in a previous post. It could be a personal experience of hurt or witnessing the suffering of another, or even, something overwhelmingly wonderful. A large part of the longing for me is a feeling of disconnection and isolation, which I sense has more to do with current circumstances (living in an individualistic society, far from extended family) than any past hurts. I have wondered much about how to express this feeling- to keep it to myself or share it with others, and whether it requires any action. Yet I sense we all feel some sense of deep longing, in different forms and for different reasons. What if, instead of diagnosing, labelling, dishing out advice, distancing ourselves from each other’s pain we could bear with and acknowledge each other’s suffering, as not so different from our own?
Oh this feeling again
A deep penetrating sadness grips me
How can I be surprised by something so familiar?
A grief so painful I can hardly breathe
Yet I know not what I am grieving for…
I notice it even though,
And all the more
When I’m surrounded by joyful connection
I think of those who are not connected
I feel their loss like it’s mine…
A collective sense that things are not as they should be
I’m not afraid of this feeling
I know well enough what it means
And I have a feeling it would pass quicker if I could share it with someone
I know what I need
But I’m still afraid, what if they get it wrong?
I know what it doesn’t mean
I don’t expect anyone to fix it
Or try to change it
Just to be with me
Keep watch
Or hold me till it passes
Make me feel safe
So I can let go of it
And if it comes back
Can I do that again?
Will it keep coming back?
Should I allow that or try to banish it?
I have a feeling it will be easier and pass quicker next time
But how can I ask again?
I would be quick to do that for others
Why is it so hard to ask?
Is to ask, to admit that I need help,
Is that being humble?
Or is it asking too much?
If I do not ask
If I do not let my anguish show
It sticks
Hangs around
Such deep sadness
I don’t let it take over,
Don’t let it paralyze me
But it steals my joy
Disconnection seeps in
And lies multiply
“I can’t share this with anyone
It’s too much,
I’m too much
I should be able to deal with it on my own.“
If it’s something we all feel, why can’t we share it more?
How much do we put on a brave face
How much do we say it doesn’t matter?
‘Do not refuse to be comforted- that’s when you turn ugly’
But how do I ask when I don’t even know what this is about?
I thought if I was strong enough I could bind up the pain
So It can’t escape
But here I am again
Overcome with pain
Maybe I thought it is because of my personal failing I am here again
If only I tried harder, was more clever,
More persistent, resilient
I would be able to fix this…
Or at least not let it bother me anymore
But maybe the only way is to
Acknowledge it
Let it be free
Not bind it
So I can let it go…
Or does this require me to fight, to take action
And what am I fighting for?
…
Pain is taking over,
Stealing my joy again
How can I be surprised by something so familiar?
A grief so painful I can hardly breathe
Yet I know not what I am grieving for
Do not try to tell me
Just hold me
Hold me
So I can let it go.