Something is lurking
Just under the surface
It bubbles up, muddying the surface
Always just slightly uneasy
It’s something I cannot ignore
Is it God calling to me, or am I talking to myself?
It’s something I’m always aware of
But it doesn’t emerge
Until I’m alone
But on my own, I cannot discern what it means
Should I listen, or try ever harder to ignore?
I cannot even see
I do not even know
What it is
Much less what it means
And what I should do
And should I even listen?
But if I ignore, I’m dying on the inside
Pushing aside
The longing for more
I wish I could be satisfied
I wish I could be content
But I have tasted
I have seen
Will I ever find it again?
Can I even find the courage to acknowledge
The longing
Can I find again
The meaning
Piece by piece
I cannot survive
Without the longing
For more
Is it a selfish quest?
Does God allow the search?
Or forbid it?
How dare I say I am unfulfilled?
When He said He would fill me?
How dare I long for more,
When He said His grace is sufficient for me?
How can I feel so lost, when I am found in Him?
Dare I listen to my longings,
When so many of my desires are sinful?
O God,
Can any good come from my heart
That you have not placed there?
Surely not
Therefore, if I ignore this,
I lose my connection with you
And only evil remains
Indeed, if I disregard your voice of love within me,
Evil takes over
And only ugliness shows on the outside
Surely I am free to ask, seek to knock
But am I too afraid of what I might find?